Letting go of bad relationships: work, friendship, lovers and family.
Few hours ago, an acquaintance of mine unsuccessfully tried to take his own life due to an unrequited love. I immediately recalled Paulette Kelly’s poem: ‘I got flowers today’
I got flowers today. It wasn’t my birthday or any other special day. We had our first argument last night. He said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he was sorry and didn’t mean the things he said. Because I got flowers today.
I got flowers today. It wasn’t our anniversary or any other special day. Last night, he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare. I couldn’t believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. It wasn’t Mother’s Day or any other special day. Last night, he beat me up again. And it was much worse than all other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I’ m afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral. Last night he finally killed me. He beat me to death.
If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today.
There is no one reason as to why people decide to ‘throw-in’ the towel but I like to see it as the insufficiency of positive energy. All through life, we struggle to have a balance, we would have very high and beautiful moments, we would also have those moments when we begin to question our existence; in those moments all we need is to be reassured that everything is gonna be alright. On some occasions we would be able to re-assure ourselves, on other occasions we would need the support to come from outside; from our friends, family, lovers, colleagues and even strangers. Humans want to be loved and to love. We want to be noticed and appreciated. We want to be valued and this supersedes the need to be wealthy or just famous. In pursuit of this, we would strive to be the best children of our parents, studying what they want us to, playing the sports they want and striving to maintain family legacies. We want to be respected by our colleagues, we want our loved ones to remain loyal and not cheat on us, but what happens when this fails? What happens when this desire comes at a great cost? How much pain are we willing to endure in the acquisition of this desire? It is true that for love to be real, it has to empty itself but there certainly should be some acceptable limits.
We give up, not because we have stopped loving, but because there is something greater. We let go of bad relationships because we value our mental health. We give up because we value our happiness and that of those who genuinely care about us. “When loyalty comes with a diminishing of the self, it’s not loyalty, it’s submission.”-Karen Young.
In letting go of bad relationships, I think there are a couple of things to be done.
We have to admit that we are in a bad place. We have to admit that there is a need to change the status quo.
Secondly, we attempt (within reasonable limits) to change the unpleasant parameters. Many people are stuck here because we keep hoping that things would get better, sometime in the unknown future. At this point, we might need the help of an objective outsider, to let us know that we have tried enough.
Thirdly, we begin to let go. My mother always told me to never bang the door on my way out. We can always let go of toxic spaces amicably. I think it is important that we completely get it off our chest. Don’t just cut people off. Let them know why you have to let go and when you are done, with all the grace you can surmount, liberate yourself.
Sometimes we physically let go of toxic people and spaces but continue to carry them in our hearts. Give yourself time; grieve their loss if you must but by all means, do not grieve eternally as though there were no hope. Try to replace the void with positive vibes and people. Many times we remain in these bad relationships because it is comfortable and because of the uncertainty the future holds but we must be daring. It won’t be easy but at the end of the day, it would be worth it.
Adaptation of the poem, ‘I got flowers today’ — https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rypMbcHSYlE
